2.7 façade

Thinking about her....What do I think of her...what’s going to happen next?..am I entering onto a relationship...has it happened already? Silence, four walls and a small window, suffocating heat. Sweat. Should I play things ‘as they come along’...what do I think of us?

Sat on the bus....oppressive heat...offensive holidaymakers. I’m sitting next to Susan, shoulder to shoulder; she is looking at me in a way that I want her to – betraying no trace of what she thought of last night. I feel no inhibitions, not even the slight increase in adrenalin flow that accompanies the build up to an important question. Yes, you are very nice. I ask her if she would like to go out for another country walk and she is answering a positive ‘yes’. No radical effect on me, I do not even feel a slight reaction to it. No relief in tension because I am completely relaxed.......

We went for a country ramble in the evening, but returned early, where I spent a couple of hours talking to her parents. I think they were at least satisfied, most likely impressed. There is now a state of tranquillity of mind to find more of myself beneath the façade of before.